dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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