Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
