first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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