I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
