Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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