thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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