He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
