I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
