First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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