the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I have aggressive nipples.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
