I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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