Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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