This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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