my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
