I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
