we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
