Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
