I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
