I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
