Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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