I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
