hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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