Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
