He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
