i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
