i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
