dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
