I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
