those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
