Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
