Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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