i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he was CRYING into my vagina
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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