Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
