I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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