look no pants
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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