i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
