He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
