I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
