K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
