he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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