I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
