I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
