I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
