You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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