Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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