After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
