I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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