I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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