she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
