He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
